Print FriendlyI wrote this blog post in about 15 minutes. Then sat on it for almost a year. Because, even now, it's a hard topic to talk about
However, I am eternally grateful to the women who have shared their stories before me and today is Maternal Mental Health Awareness Day. So, I'm finally hitting that share button in case my experiences might help someone else.
I used to cling to the wishes I made when the clock struck 11:11.
Someone once said in passing "oh, it's 11:11, better make a wish!" I laughed as one does at such superstitions but after having my first baby, I began to cling to those 11:11 wishes. And it seemed that I saw 11:11 on the clock alll the time. AM & PM both. Because god knows I wasn't getting much sleep in those days.
My wish was simple. And it was the same every time. "Please let everything be OK." That might seem like such a general statement but it was a desperate wish.
I knew things weren't good at the time. But I didn't have the words or the perspective to explain or even understand just how bad things were myself. I'm not sure I have the words now either. It was like drowning or suffocating. Or both.
It wasn't until a few months ago when I happened to see the stove clock hit 11:11 (am this time) that it all hit me. I hadn't noticed the clock strike 11:11 in quite some time and when I noticed it that day, memories of all those desperate/suffocating feelings hit me like a truck and I realized for the first time that all those wishes had come true. Everything IS ok now.
Is everything easy? No. Is every moment of every day enjoyable? No. Do I get enough sleep? Still no. Although the night time wakings are so much less than they used to be. And something has eased inside. I suspect that it has a LOT to do with the kids being older and more independent. With being able to work by myself on the farm for at least a part of almost every day. With a slight ease of household chores as the kids learn to take on a few small chores of their own.
There is no doubt in my mind that my 11:11 wishes were fueled by post partum depression. And looking back, I am a bit shaken at just how lucky I am to be on the healing side of things given that I was never treated*. Especially considering that I certainly was not healed from my first post partum period before the second began. In fact, it was nearly 6 years after my first and 3.5 years after my last child that the fog finally began to lift.
I never seriously considered self harm and I think that is one reason that I slipped under the radar. I filled out the depression questionnaires at my post partum appointments but even at the time the questions seemed inadequate. And there's a heavy emphasis put on thoughts of self harm and/or harming one's children and those thoughts are certainly important to suss out but I'm here to tell you that a person can be in a world of hurt without thoughts of causing physical harm to themselves or others. People can even get up and carry out the necessary tasks (and more) every day even though doing so feels like wading through a waist deep slurry of tar.
Now that those feelings are memories, I can see clearly just how dark those times were and how much I was weighed down by it all.
Why did I never get help? That's the magic question isn't it?
There is not nearly enough support for mothers. Period. But especially post partum.
Doctors are overworked.
Therapy is HARD to access. Therapists are swamped. Therapists are hard to find. You don't always connect with your first therapist. Therapy is expensive.
There is a stigma. Whether you choose Therapy or Medicine, there is a stigma. Simply admitting you are struggling comes with a stigma.
Medicine is scary. It has side effects. You don't always get the right medicine or the right dose of the right medicine the first time and the adjustment process can be scary. Or at least that's my perception
So why am I sharing this? I could say that I'm sharing my experiences to draw attention the inadequacy of our medical systems or the lack of a 'village' for mothers. I could say it's to advocate for better post partum support for women. Both at a systemic and a family level. And those statements would be true.
But the most compelling reason for me to share my struggles is that reading others' stories when I was in the thick of it, helped me to understand at least a little bit what I was going through. Those stories gave me something to hold onto and helped me realize that I wasn't alone in struggling with motherhood. They gave me hope that maybe something could be done about it.
More than once after reading a story from one particular college friend**, I would pull up the medical center phone number, on the brink of making a doctor appointment. Unfortunately bridging the gap between *wanting* to talk to a doctor and all the steps it takes to actually be in front of a doctor (and to talk openly with them) took more courage than I was able to muster.
Thank God I somehow made it through anyway. But not everyone is that lucky. And no one should have to struggle through the fog and despair. So I'm sharing my story in case it might be the catalyst for even one struggling mom to find some help.
For those in the trenches ... take this as a sign to talk to someone.
For those on the other side of the conversation.... please realize that this is probably one of the hardest conversations your person has ever had.
For those that this post might cause worry: More than a year after realizing my 11:11 wishes had come true, I can say that things continue to improve and I finally enjoy being a mother. I love playing Uno with my kids, I am fascinated by the way they take in books and by the stories that they craft themselves. We regularly work in the kitchen or greenhouse together and it's finally fun.
*After reading and rereading these words that I wrote over a year ago, - I have realized that I DID eventually get help, although it came in the unlikely form of a business coaching program. I signed up thinking I would learn how to grow my business. What I wasn't expecting was the validation and peace I found through group coaching and the mindset work that was part of the program.
**my friend Amber has recently started a blog of her own to share her journey with farming, depression and motherhood. Her blog is called Caring for Calves and Kids
However, I am eternally grateful to the women who have shared their stories before me and today is Maternal Mental Health Awareness Day. So, I'm finally hitting that share button in case my experiences might help someone else.
I used to cling to the wishes I made when the clock struck 11:11.
Someone once said in passing "oh, it's 11:11, better make a wish!" I laughed as one does at such superstitions but after having my first baby, I began to cling to those 11:11 wishes. And it seemed that I saw 11:11 on the clock alll the time. AM & PM both. Because god knows I wasn't getting much sleep in those days.
My wish was simple. And it was the same every time. "Please let everything be OK." That might seem like such a general statement but it was a desperate wish.
I knew things weren't good at the time. But I didn't have the words or the perspective to explain or even understand just how bad things were myself. I'm not sure I have the words now either. It was like drowning or suffocating. Or both.
It wasn't until a few months ago when I happened to see the stove clock hit 11:11 (am this time) that it all hit me. I hadn't noticed the clock strike 11:11 in quite some time and when I noticed it that day, memories of all those desperate/suffocating feelings hit me like a truck and I realized for the first time that all those wishes had come true. Everything IS ok now.
Is everything easy? No. Is every moment of every day enjoyable? No. Do I get enough sleep? Still no. Although the night time wakings are so much less than they used to be. And something has eased inside. I suspect that it has a LOT to do with the kids being older and more independent. With being able to work by myself on the farm for at least a part of almost every day. With a slight ease of household chores as the kids learn to take on a few small chores of their own.
There is no doubt in my mind that my 11:11 wishes were fueled by post partum depression. And looking back, I am a bit shaken at just how lucky I am to be on the healing side of things given that I was never treated*. Especially considering that I certainly was not healed from my first post partum period before the second began. In fact, it was nearly 6 years after my first and 3.5 years after my last child that the fog finally began to lift.
I never seriously considered self harm and I think that is one reason that I slipped under the radar. I filled out the depression questionnaires at my post partum appointments but even at the time the questions seemed inadequate. And there's a heavy emphasis put on thoughts of self harm and/or harming one's children and those thoughts are certainly important to suss out but I'm here to tell you that a person can be in a world of hurt without thoughts of causing physical harm to themselves or others. People can even get up and carry out the necessary tasks (and more) every day even though doing so feels like wading through a waist deep slurry of tar.
Now that those feelings are memories, I can see clearly just how dark those times were and how much I was weighed down by it all.
Why did I never get help? That's the magic question isn't it?
There is not nearly enough support for mothers. Period. But especially post partum.
Doctors are overworked.
Therapy is HARD to access. Therapists are swamped. Therapists are hard to find. You don't always connect with your first therapist. Therapy is expensive.
There is a stigma. Whether you choose Therapy or Medicine, there is a stigma. Simply admitting you are struggling comes with a stigma.
Medicine is scary. It has side effects. You don't always get the right medicine or the right dose of the right medicine the first time and the adjustment process can be scary. Or at least that's my perception
So why am I sharing this? I could say that I'm sharing my experiences to draw attention the inadequacy of our medical systems or the lack of a 'village' for mothers. I could say it's to advocate for better post partum support for women. Both at a systemic and a family level. And those statements would be true.
But the most compelling reason for me to share my struggles is that reading others' stories when I was in the thick of it, helped me to understand at least a little bit what I was going through. Those stories gave me something to hold onto and helped me realize that I wasn't alone in struggling with motherhood. They gave me hope that maybe something could be done about it.
More than once after reading a story from one particular college friend**, I would pull up the medical center phone number, on the brink of making a doctor appointment. Unfortunately bridging the gap between *wanting* to talk to a doctor and all the steps it takes to actually be in front of a doctor (and to talk openly with them) took more courage than I was able to muster.
Thank God I somehow made it through anyway. But not everyone is that lucky. And no one should have to struggle through the fog and despair. So I'm sharing my story in case it might be the catalyst for even one struggling mom to find some help.
For those in the trenches ... take this as a sign to talk to someone.
For those on the other side of the conversation.... please realize that this is probably one of the hardest conversations your person has ever had.
For those that this post might cause worry: More than a year after realizing my 11:11 wishes had come true, I can say that things continue to improve and I finally enjoy being a mother. I love playing Uno with my kids, I am fascinated by the way they take in books and by the stories that they craft themselves. We regularly work in the kitchen or greenhouse together and it's finally fun.
*After reading and rereading these words that I wrote over a year ago, - I have realized that I DID eventually get help, although it came in the unlikely form of a business coaching program. I signed up thinking I would learn how to grow my business. What I wasn't expecting was the validation and peace I found through group coaching and the mindset work that was part of the program.
**my friend Amber has recently started a blog of her own to share her journey with farming, depression and motherhood. Her blog is called Caring for Calves and Kids
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